Monday, November 30, 2015

The Hard Part

* Back at the Crisis Center*

-Sometimes I wonder why the bad things happen to good people and I've came with many conclusions. One of them being, it's true that things happen for a reason - but most importantly it's so that we can be living examples to people on how to get through the hard times...

"Question of the day is: what did your traumatic situation teach you?"

Why this man stay asking the hard questions, like we know; well I guess I'm the only one who don't. This is going to make me open some can of worms that I don't want to come out. Making me dig deep where it hurts just to understand the root of my issues. Pshhh. As I thought to myself, I answer.

"Betrayal, Trust, and finding balance in all of what happened. Although Finding balance doesn't seem fit; it's important when your life begins to take course and shifts. I'm not the same and I definetly don't have the same perspective of people anymore; on what they say or do. I'm definetly more aware and awake. I've looked at my parents, family and close friends that don't even know what happened differently as well.

Betrayal is something that I don't tread lightly. I'm extremely loving and kind. I have a caring soul, to the point where I'll still be your friend 'til the end' even if you continue to do me wrong. With everything that has happened I knew my ways would change. It's hard because you want to be there for people but you don't want to be taken advantage of again -so being cautious makes it a tug-a-war situation. I Trust but you have to show me, not just tell me. I'm all about action now. My Love may hide all of that but I still peep. You will never know how quick and easy it is for someone to turn their back on you when you're going through the rough shit. When it's all good and fun they're present and there but just do a scan when it gets bad and you need your support. Nobody sees the hard work you have to do while you're reconstructing your back bone, or when you need it back, because you gave it to everybody else for support and now you need it back. They all just ran with your bones standing up straight and shit, lol. But I swear to you, that was the last time  I thought I would trust again.

Love was and still is planted in me and it continues to bloom in every way. So I keep trust as a factor. You can't love without trust. The formula wouldn't be right without one another, they go together. I really don't have a hard time trusting people because I pay too much attention to how people can't live up to what they say and do or even want from me. So to me it's all talk until I see action ... It's levels to ALL of this... Levels"

*turns around and looks out the window* Atittude has been activated 


Friday, November 20, 2015

Freeing ME

*Opens bedroom door, flicks on lamp, drops bag and takes off clothes and gets right in the bed (stares at ceiling)*

Scared. Ashamed. Disappointed. Weak. Shallow. Worthless. Broken. Scarred. No. Denied. Whore. Irate. Dog. Teased. Misidentified. Lack. Law. Misdemeanor. Deal. Humiliated. Lies. Minor. Ugly. Bitch. Sex. Liquor. Haunt. Betrayal. Forgotten. Lost. Stupid. Obnoxious.

Thinking that I wanted to be as strong as Maya Angelou was a bit easier said than done. You never know how hard something is going to be until you have to get through it. Dang it, I wish I was as quiet as she was so I won’t have to remember some of the lies and falsified stories about me. More than anything that HAUNTS me most. I have nightmares of what will happen if I thought about opening my mouth again. I know everybody goes through terrible things in their life but having to be strong and have your own back, when you’re not strong enough to defend yourself  has to be the hardest thing known to mankind. I'm pretty sure that's where the power lies. It lies within the tongue you hold and mouth you keep silent. Sometimes speaking too much to defend yourself can cause confusion. I felt like it was better that way since people were already making front of me -they let my mouth rest. I didn't have to do much talking but now I have to tell these strangers...  Yeah, they are there to do the same thing I’m doing, but they are still human and can believe and lie about whatever they want. “UGH!” I hate this tug-a-war with being free and keeping my story safe, it just hurts. I'm tired of hurting. I just want to protect myself.  

*Sigh* I must remember that some good will come out of all of this. I might be flustered now but relief will come. Peace will be there and you have to embrace the pain to get there first. It may be the hardest thing I’ll ever have to do but it’s not impossible. I’m doing this for me and no one else. Me. Me

*tears rolls down the face, & goes to sleep* whispers: God Free Me


Wednesday, November 18, 2015

The Beginning

*Scared as “ALL GET OUT” (takes deep breath), opens door as it screeches, and… great all eyes are on me*

“Welcome, take a seat here and you’re right on time –we’re about to introduce ourselves and say why we’re here”

*Sarcastically with a smirk* I whisper “Great  ... mmm” As I look around and listen to everyone, -I blank out and immediately get anxious because for some reason my time is almost up and I just know I’m going to have to tell these strangers why I’m here. When honestly, I thought I was going to tell some counselor instead. I can’t do this… I don’t want to do this… (As I slightly come to the edge of my seat to raise and sneak away) It’s my turn (takes another deep breath)*

“Well… I’m Dinah (Hello Dinah!) and… I was … raped”

*As I sit back down, the room grew silent –and then was when I knew either I instantly changed someone’s life or was going to by my story.*

Growing up, you don’t think about the dangerous events that might happen to you. You don’t think about the horrible terrors of the world until you’re old enough to understand or until it actually happens to you; even then it might be too late. The first time I saw the word or even had an idea of what ‘rape’ was, was from the book “I Know why the Caged Bird Sings” by Maya Angelou. I had to be at least 12/13 years old and then I knew I wanted to be as strong as she was. She went years before telling a soul what happened to her. Somehow that to me showed her strength and at that age, (I don’t know why because I was young) I saw me. I just knew I was going to be strong and a powerful person. Now, look at me…

*Walks to car, exhales –and cries*